Ask Wendy: Dating, Sex & Relationship Advice for the Bold
My husband doesn’t wear a wedding ring. I think people notice, and I don’t really want women hitting on him. For me, my wedding ring is a reminder of our love. Is it disrespectful? I’m not sure how should I feel about this…
A gazillion other advice-slingers out there wholeheartedly disagree with me, so if you don’t like my answers, different ones will be easy to find.
But before you bail from what you think you might not want to hear, consider that what I offer might just give you the most personal power, freedom, and peace — if you can wrap your head all the way around my point of view. Let’s start!
People will notice
What does that have to do with you and your life and bond with your husband?
People also notice those shoes you’re wearing, and they’ll pass judgment on them, too. People are extremely judgy, have you noticed?
Sure, a wedding ring carries more symbolic significance than a pair of pumps. But the fact remains: What other people think is none of your business. Don’t allow someone else’s random thought that’s as meaningful as a fart influence and interfere with your life.
Your time is valuable. Those moments you spent worrying about other women eyeing your man because of this naked ring finger? That’s stolen time you could have used to help solve the world’s problems, or be kind to someone, or dive head-deep into a novel, or take a good nap.
Other women might hit on him
Um, do you really think a wedding ring stops people from hitting on The Hitched?
There’s an entire subset of women who find a ring a fun, sexy challenge instead of a deterrent.
Ready for a hard concept?
Breathe again — stay with me…
What if what people do when they are not in your presence is none of your business.
One option is to try living your life like it’s yours.
And letting your husband live his life like it’s his.
And assume that when he’s not in your presence, he means well, he loves you, he’s trustworthy, and he can keep the vows you two made (that’s why you married him). In other words, trust your man (unless he’s given you concrete reasons not to).
“What are you doing out there?!”
There’s a crazy cultural phenomenon that promotes the notion that we should have some say and control over what happens out in the world with our spouse or partner when we’re not there.
He better not flirt with a woman, or be nice to her, or smile at her, or hold the door for her, or help her with her luggage on that business flight, or even think about her in passing.
Somehow, this controlling behavior is deemed acceptable — sometimes even encouraged. But it’s not acceptable. The thought that he must never find another woman interesting, beautiful, or charming is ludicrous, yet it’s rampant.
What if I told you that you can’t think Idris Elba is hot because you’re married.
When I put it that way, it’s ridiculous, right?
And statistically impossible — because we’re living, breathing people with hormones flowing through our systems — we’re attracted to people. We all find people other than our partners attractive, fun, et cetera. It’s whether you act on that attraction or not that matters.
So hey, how about instead of spending your precious time worrying about the ring thing, take a deep breath and know that what happens when he’s not in your presence is none of your business. I know it takes faith, but you picked him, and you know you can trust your judgment on this, right?
Your wedding ring is a reminder of your love
That’s nice, and I get that.
I have three rings: one from my husband, one from my mother, and another from my grandmother. Each reminds me of my love for them. If I lost my deceased grandmother’s ring, I’d be heartbroken, but it would not in any way impact my love for her. I don’t love her less on the days I don’t wear her ring. And on most days, I don’t wear any of the rings, they just sit in a safe. Because I know my love for my people has nothing to do with material things.
People can love each other just as much without a ring to signify their affection and devotion. Maybe your husband is one of those people who doesn’t feel the need to be reminded because his love is something he carries inside him rather than on his person.
Is not wearing a wedding ring disrespectful?
This is a great question — and only you can answer it. And the people around you get to hear your musts and boundaries then decide if they’re going to opt-in or out of relationships with you based on those things.
For me, the only way I would categorize the wearing (or not wearing) of jewelry as disrespectful is if someone tried to force something onto my body. My body, my choice.
If this is still really bugging you, then get curious. Ask him why he doesn’t like wearing a wedding ring.
Some of us just don’t like jewelry on our hands every day and it’s nothing more than that.
Learn what’s behind it, and if it’s not personal to you, then I recommend you not take it personally.
Tanzie, I know a lot of this article might sound harsh or uncaring. But in reality, what I’m offering is literally the opposite of that. We spend a lot of life entertaining thoughts that are disempowering and that make us feel less than we are. And the culture has your back on this one. You can Google around and find exactly 9 million articles telling you why it’s so important to wear that wring! But it’s grasping and clinging to a finger band out of fear — fear that someone might disappoint us or not love us enough. See if you can end this habit for yourself.
A ring is just a thing, and things can’t take away love.
Wendy Newman is the author of 121 First Dates. She’s a dating, sex, and relationship expert who’s led hundreds of workshops and revolutionized the lives of over 70,000+ women internationally.
Need one-on-one help from Wendy? You can hire her by the hour.
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You can send a question to the column via email: Wendy@WendySpeaks.com